It’s not fair.

Nearly a month ago I set up this special page on my blog to tell Lucia’s story, which of course is Charlize’s story as well.

I thought because most of it was written it wouldn’t be too hard, but it’s even more difficult than I thought.

This week I have been moved to tears so many times and it still catches me by surprise.

On Monday I had the pleasure of spending the night at my sisters place. This was the first night that her and her partner had brought their first baby, a beautiful baby girl, home from hospital. I was so lucky to spend such a precious night with them.

When I arrived at my sisters place I immediately melted when I saw my precious niece fast asleep in her cot. She is the picture of innocence and love and I yearned to pick her up and craddle her in my arms.

My sister and I decided to organise the baby things in the nursery. I was happily chatting away and gushing at the beautiful little clothes when I looked up and saw my sister sobbing. I had no idea what happened and then she looked at me and told me that she was so sorry about Charlize and she can’t imagine what the last eighteen months has been like for us.

She ended with “It’s just not fair”.

I had tears in my eyes when I hugged her tight and I agreed with her.

It just isn’t fair.

The next day we took Baby Harper for her first walk in her pram out for breakfast. I was used to walking with a pram and noticing the amount of women with twins but it was like my sisters eyes were working from my head. Everytime she saw a double pram she looked at me so sadly. She knew the deep loss I was feeling.

I kept looking at my beautiful niece and smiling.

Yesterday I was hanging the clothes on the line when my beautiful-crazy three year old came running out of the house with her baby doll. She was holding the doll in her arms with such love and a maternal instinct so strong, it was truly beautiful.

I asked her what the dolls name was …..

“Charlize – but not your Charlize, we love her but she is in heaven, this is my baby Charlize, she isn’t in Heaven”

My stomach dropped. How can a three year old be so wise. She walked around the backyard patting her baby Charlize to sleep.

My beautiful Lucia (Charlize’s twin sister) is trying so very hard to walk. At eighteen months she is a very knowing little character, filled with personality. I look at her daily with such love and thanks that she survived, but I also look at her often and hear the words “It’s just not fair”.

I should be watching two identical little girls tormenting their three year old sister, I should be laughing when two little girls crawl into their big brothers room and tear his lego house into a big mess, I should be dressing, feeding, talking to, reading to, loving two identical little girls in my arms, but I’m not.

I’m loving from afar.

I’m loving with such deep hurt.

I’m questioning the what if’s.

I’m wondering what life would be like with a six year old, a three year old and two eighteen month old’s.

I’m hoping that Heaven is for Real and that He has my baby girl sitting on His lap telling her stories, showing her from afar what her family is doing, how much we love her and miss her.

I’m hoping, I’m wishing, I’m hurting, I’m crying.

It really isn’t fair.

But then I smile because a week ago she came to me for the first time ever. I knew it was her. I could feel her warmth, her presence, she made me feel better, she reminded me that even though I haven’t physically held her for nearly eighteen months she is here with me, by my side, every day and when I look into Lucia’s eyes there she is. She came to me and I knew she was giving my sister a baby girl, a gift from afar.

So, when I look into Harper’s eyes and touch her soft face, I melt, I smile. There are so many things I missed out on with Charlize but she has given us this gorgeous baby girl close in age to our Lucia and I know we are blessed and so lucky to have had her for even the shortest of moments.

It’s not fair, but today and every day I’ll keep writing Lucia’s story for all to see and share in this journey of love and the miracle of life.

I hope you enjoy her as much as we all do.

CxStephens B&W   (55)