I felt a bit of pressure when I woke today because it’s the 100th Happy day! My son insisted we take some ‘interesting’ photos because it’s such a special day. So he followed me around and we giggled as I posed. If you were driving past I hope you had a laugh.
To be honest, when I started this project I wasn’t entirely certain I’d finish it. Now all I’ve heard from people is can I please keep going. I still haven’t decided!!
After my ‘Fuck It’ Day yesterday I decided to look back and see what has happened in the past 100 days and how many of them have actually been ‘happy’. I’m impressed! It seems I only had three pretty shitty days and two of them were sadness for the loss other people have endured.
I’m going to share a message I received this week from a friend of mine. I’m sharing it, not so you can agree and tell me how amazing I am (because let’s be honest, I already know this). I’m sharing because this message hasn’t left me.
Your kindness and compassion, and courage continually astounds and inspires me. You carry a grief that will never leave but you are so able to see happiness in everything,
and be there completely for others. Just incredible.
You see, continually through our lives if we listen and slow down we can learn more about ourselves. I don’t see myself as courageous and I doubt I ever will. I see myself like you and the next person. I’m just me, taking it one day at a time and winging it.
I have suffered a loss. A deep, gaping pain in my body that sometimes doesn’t make me feel whole. I will always search for her; in the sunshine, in the rain, the butterflies and in my imagination. I imagine her often skipping alongside her sisters and brother. Our fourth wheel. I sometimes watch Lucia’s every movement and wonder if she would move the same as her. I will always search for her because she should be right here with us and it’s not fair that she isn’t.
My friend is right though, and I guess it’s something I just do without thinking. I do try to find the happiness in everything. The 100 Happy Days proved that to me in abundance. What use am I as a mother, sister, daughter, friend if I’m wallowing in my sadness. Sadness and grief is exhausting. It is dark. It is deep. It is all consuming. It isn’t living for me. (This is purely my opinion from my own experience and not a judgement of anyone else).
When something shit happens, I’m a talker. You will hear about it so I have shared the burden. It reduces that dark heaviness from my soul. It helps me to see there is always light and there is always happiness and that’s what living is about. I also feel as a society on social media we only share the amazing. If we share more of the ‘Fuck It’ days people won’t feel such a pressure to be a ‘perfect’ person. Because let’s be honest, that’s not real.
We are here only once. We don’t know at what point our light will go out and I want to enjoy every single moment. I want my children to remember even on the toughest of days, in the face of our deepest sadness we grew, we learnt and we could smile. I want my children to know the most important part of life is people. It’s family and it’s friend and it’s time. We are juggling a series of glass and plastic balls. We want to know which ones we can’t drop and which ones will bounce.
As I looked around today, I saw and felt those things that make me the happiest. I love walking barefoot around our yard to connect with nature. I love to sit quietly on my own somewhere on our property and listen and look at the beauty of nature. It makes you appreciate it more. It makes you connect. I watched a flock of birds fly in formation. I saw our resident Heron make his way into our pool area (probably to shit all over it again since we just cleaned it). I watched the naughty triplet goats try and escape from their own. I could breathe in the scent of my neighbours fire, the gum leaves, the freshness of the country.
My children, my husband, my family, my dear supportive circle of friends, my village, my yoga, my cooking, my garden, my home. All of these things, they have my heart. They make me happy.