Inside her Mother’s Head

Dear Daughter,

I saw you today when you danced at the bus stop with your brother and your eyes sparkled. I wanted the bus to be late, so I could stand there and watch you all morning.

Your eyes always used to sparkle when you were happy or when you smiled and then they stopped.

You used to skip through life with a smile etched into your cheek bones, your hair flowing in the wind, your feet bare and your eyes delighted at everything they saw.

The moment it changed was that fateful day. One minute you were all chattering away in the back of the car and I was drifting off to sleep.

The forcefulness and explosive noise is etched in my brain forever. I have tried to forget about it. I have tried to talk about it openly so it can’t hurt me. But….

Nothing works.

I still hear it.

I still see it.

I still feel it.

Before I opened my eyes that day, I begged that guy upstairs who I don’t like very much to make sure you were all safe. But, your sister kept us all safe. She is truly an angel.

I opened my eyes and before I could move my body without being sliced by the glass I heard your screams.

You were all screaming. But yours was the loudest. It was a scream I have never heard before. A scream I hope to never hear again. The terror, the fear, the unknown, the want to be helped ripped through me like fire through my veins.

When I managed to get out of the car and I realised in my confusion what had happened I started blinking rapidly. I saw the front of the truck pressed against your seat.

The screams became louder.

Then I realised they were mine.

Daddy and I couldn’t get you all out of there fast enough. Time seemed to slow as the smoke seemed to rise quicker from our car and the petrol poured from the tank.

I have never felt such intense relief at being able to touch you all. I patted you all down over and over again making sure I didn’t miss something.

All three of you were attached to me like koalas. There was no way you were letting go.

You continued to scream. We tried relentlessly to calm you. Your screams hurt my heart.

I felt helpless and worried about how I was going to protect you all.

Today my darling, I know I can’t change it but I wish I could’ve gone with you in the ambulance. I wish I was there. Every minute I sat in my own ambulance and in a different hospital I was thinking of you and worrying about you.

It is doubtful the outcome would be different today but my heart hurts that I wasn’t there for you.

Some days when you wake up and there is the new darkness in your eyes and your face looks exhausted by all your brain and body has been through, well I hate him for you.

I know it’s not productive, but I hate him anyway. For not doing the speed limit, for not paying attention, for hurting my family.

I wonder about him often.

Does he feel sad?

Does he think about us?

Does he wonder if he could’ve done better?

Then I feel terrible for thinking these thoughts and I tell him in my head that I don’t really hate him, because that word requires too much energy. Energy I can use on different things. I dislike him some days ALOT!

Some days when I feel like I’ve walked on eggshells for days, weeks or as long as I can remember to keep you okay, I just can’t anymore.

I put you to bed. Smother you in kisses. Tell you I love you. Cuddle you one more time, again.

Then I lock my bedroom door, turn the shower on, get in and take a deep breath. It usually takes a few minutes for the hot water to prickle my skin and then I sink to my knees and I sob.

Today when your eyes sparkled baby girl, my heart did star jumps. Seeing glimpses of your true soul shine through, is like holding you in my arms for the first time as a baby. A feeling I wish I could bottle for the tough days.

My free-spirited daughter, you have my heart in spades. Through all the shiny, golden moments and all the dirty, gray moments. I will forever be your hand to hold.

You are a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am honoured to be your Mummy and to walk with you through all the colours life will shine on you.

Love, love, love you with all my heart.

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