What heals you?
There are days where I feel like rather than moving forward I’ve moved back to the day after we lost her where the pain is incomprehensible. I remind myself that it is absolutely okay to have days like this.
I have learnt so many things on this journey we call life. The most I’ve learnt has been in the nearly five years since our twins were born and Charlize lost to us.
So, what heals me?
A cup of tea – I cannot count how many times friends have sat at my dining table and I’ve poured tea and probably made scones and then the words come tumbling out. After a few cups of tea in a beautiful tea cup life feels manageable.
Yoga – having a mind and body that feels like it does after a Yoga session is what I’m aiming for in everyday life. I know how well I’m doing in life by how well I manage the balance section of yoga. If I’m emotionally unstable there is no way I’m standing on one leg like an owl, a tree or an aeroplane instead I’m more like melting butter!
Family – without my Mum and Dad around to support us that first year we may not have survived it. My own parents lost my baby sister at 26 weeks when I was eighteen months old. My Mum tells me that I’ve taught her so much about grieving for their own daughter but what she doesn’t realise is that because of them I had the strength and passion and love to make sure we all heal with Charlize always part of our lives. Thanks Mum and Dad. There are no words big enough to describe how much you mean to us.
I’ve spoken at length in a previous post about my husband so you all know how much he’s helped in healing.
My children – Orlando was only just five years old and Indiana eighteen months when they lost their baby sister. Seeing these two beautiful big kids grow and thrive tells me we did something right in the healing process. They’re often the first to talk about Charlize and they ensure she’s never left out when someone asks how many siblings they have. They have their rituals that they like to keep in memory of her and will bowl you over if you step in their way. Their intense love for her has helped me heal.
Lucia – I have so many stories, moments, memories locked in my heart from this amazing child who is mine! This tiny little human who is so passionately connected to her twin sister. She has an unwavering love and affection for the sister she never got to play with, read with, laugh with, cry with, live life with.
So deep is their connection I sometimes feel like I’m intruding when I’ve been present for some amazing moments.
I have little doubt that Charlize is never far from Chia and that she urges her on when she tires.
Lucia my darling, you are the best healing medicine anyone could’ve given me. Had you not survived I would no longer be able to stand. I thank the moon and the stars every night for letting me keep you. Our life is fuller because of you. You have shown me the depths of grief and the pinnacle of happiness.
You really are your namesake.
Lucia, our shining light.
You heal me.