Surrender and Embrace
When I see photos of Lucia in the NICU like this one, I realise I’m holding my breath, my shoulders are tight and upright and my hands start to slightly shake.
I realise I can still smell the NICU, hear the sounds of those monitors, feel every ounce of my panic that I might not have been able to take Lucia home.
Its clear to me that I have not yet been able to surrender the grief and trauma from Lucia’s lengthy battle (that still continues today) and I will probably never surrender all my grief at losing Charlize.
Am I afraid? Absolutely.
There are some times during the year that I feel surrendered and completely happy and other parts of the year that I plaster a smile on my face, keep very busy and hope no one looks at me the right way or they’ll see the cracks.
If I crack, I might break. If I break, how do I gather all those pieces and put myself back together again.
Instead, I’ve learnt to embrace the present. To live in the now and hope that it’s enough to get me through another year.
As we approach the twins fifth birthday and Charlize’s 5th anniversary I feel nervous. It feels harder than the fourth, the third, the second. But nothing was as hard as the first.
I don’t know why. Maybe because five years feels like a long time but it’s not. Maybe because in five years Lucia has grown into this amazing, determined, loveable little person without Charlize physically alongside her.
So, as we approach this huge emotional milestone I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m embracing the last few weeks Lucia is four and looking forward to carrying out her well planned birthday she has asked for.
For her fifth birthday we are spending the weekend at the Butterfly sanctuary, so Charlize can be with her and because she knows we are all filled with smiles and laughter when butterflies are around.
This little girl is wiser beyond her years and she continues to teach me a whole lot about surrender and embrace.