Empathy; the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
There are so many wrong ways to empathise. You can’t find a solution for our problem unless you have learnt the skill of making the dead live again. Which I’m pretty certain you cannot do.
Having another baby will not fix me.
Telling me I’m lucky that one of my twins survived does not make me feel better.
Openly telling in people in front of me that you have twelve beautiful grandchildren, when in fact you have thirteen doesn’t make me smile it makes me angry and sad.
Giving me a hug helps.
Saying her name helps.
Remembering her birthday/anniversary helps.
Acknowledging her as a member of our family helps.
These are gestures that help me today. When we lost her there were so many gestures that helped.
An offer to look after my other children.
Coming over and doing my washing.
Dropping off a home cooked meal (although my suggestion is to try something different than lasagne and pumpkin soup).
Sometimes just sitting on the lounge next to me with a cup of tea in hand was all I needed.
Nearly five years on I am surrounded by beautiful people who were not in our life when we lost her and yet the empathy they have shown have brought many a tear to my eye.
This picture today is a reminder that it wasn’t just me and Saxon that lost Charlize. Lucia carries a great weight of loss too. She too needs your empathy.
When she talks about her twin ask her questions, point out butterflies, but most of all give her a hug and tell her we all miss Charlize.