Day Three: What It Felt Like
It has taken me a while to post this as I have no pictures of a broken heart to upload. Then I opened up this picture. My first hold of Charlize and then I realised I do actually have a picture of a broken heart.
The anguish and distress on my face actually makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I look at this.
I can still feel the terror at being able to hold my tiny daughter, knowing it was for all the wrong reasons. As soon as she was placed in my arms and I felt her warm body against mine, I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to tell them to put her back in the humidicrib, re-connect the oxygen and try harder.
Make her live.
Her heart has stopped.
I woke up the next morning and struggled to open my eyes, I couldn’t understand why.
I remembered I had twin daughters.
I felt the pain in my stomach where they were delivered in a big rush a few days before.
I still couldn’t open my eyes.
I hurt but not like my stomach hurt.
My body ached and my heart felt heavy.
There was a crushing pain in my chest that took my breath away.
I remembered that awful dream I had last night.
I realised my eyes were swollen and puffy and my vision was slightly blurred.
My face was stinging from the water dribbling from my eyes.
Why was Saxon asleep in the hospital room next to me?
It wasn’t a dream.
NOOOOOOO, it wasn’t a dream.
10.55pm last night she died.
My throat tightened, my heart raced and the pain of it all came rushing back and then I howled. I tried not to but the sobbing howl was coming from my heart.
The deep pain was from a place I couldn’t control.
Saxon woke up and rushed to my side with swollen and dribbling eyes he held me tight.
“I know honey, I know.” That’s all he needed to say as we held eachother tightly and as grief seeped into our bodies and commenced the relentless new journey our lives would take because life had taken our precious child away from us.
That’s how it felt.
That’s how it feels.