Over the weekend our family visited Sydney for the first time since December when we made our move to the country.
We were like tourists visiting ‘The Grounds of Alexandria’, driving from the city to the north side and then the west side. We caught up with our closest friends and our loving families.
On Friday, we drove from the city to the Northern Beaches. My mind remembered all those roads without hesitation to get us to our old stomping ground. Before we knew it all three of the kids were fast asleep and I was driving through Frenchs Forest towards Wakehurst Parkway on our way to the beaches.
I suddenly realised my heart was beating faster and my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel too tight. My mind had wandered to the many times I drove that path to Royal North Shore Hospital.
I was remembering all those days and all those nights I drove along that stretch of road not knowing if our darling Lucia had survived another day. I was remembering the devastation at driving that road the day after we lost our darling Charlize where we arrived home to tell our excited five year old Orlando that one of our beautiful twins would not be going to Heaven.
I drove past the beach where we had Charlizes memorial service. The funeral home where we said goodbye to her forever.
As I drove these roads the tears welled in my eyes and streamed down my face and I was glad my three living children were asleep in the backseat.
When I stopped to take a breath and wipe my face I felt like my body was betraying me. Without even consciously thinking about my daughter my brain triggered emotions and memories from purely driving down a path I’ve done thousands of times before.
I watched my three beautiful children sleeping and I could feel the love my body, my soul feels for them so strongly.
Today I saw the picture that is attached to the top of this post and I no longer feel like my body is betraying me. I should be used to some of these feeling that come on without warning but they still take me by surprise. When I saw this picture, this quote, I smiled and can only agree whole heartedly.
“I will never stop grieving, because I will never stop loving”