I carry your heart …

As the time ticks over today and we remember every detail of our last hours with our daughter I feel sadder but I also feel stronger.

Today especially, but for the past few months to the lead up to the twins birthday I am so very lucky to be surrounded by a circle of beautiful friends and family.

A lot of people don’t get it and will never get it. For they have never endured the greatest loss of losing their own child and I hope they never will and that’s okay.

To be honest, until I became a Mum I never fully got it.

The day Saxon and I sat hand in hand in the chapel of the funeral home with our daughters little white coffin and two perfect pink gerbera flowers on top, I thought my heart would break all over again. 

It was a day that we did alone. At the time we felt it best to manage that trauma on our own and instead we had a memorial with only our immediate family. Reflecting today, I wish we had had our amazing family and our wonderful friends helping us stand at the chapel and at the memorial. I wish you had all been a part of Charlize’s final moments in this world.

That day, it became real and I really understood what loss was all about. All I wanted to do was take those pretty flowers off and open the little white coffin and cradle my baby against my desperately sad body. I didn’t want to leave that awful dark chapel, I didn’t want to drive away from that place that I drive past every week. I wanted my baby in my arms and wanted to take her home.

Today, I am overwhelmed with love and support. My dearest sister-in-law sent me a bouquet of flowers so personal I cried. My best friends called and texted constantly to make sure I was okay. 

My beautiful sister also called constantly to make sure I was okay. Every time I hear her voice today I remember her sobs when she saw Charlize in my arms two years ago and I smiled up at her and said “Aunty Kathryn, this is Charlize”

I watched my sister break in two. My little sister has helped keep me together and standing for the past two years. Not long after we lost Charlize she gave me a card when she visited Lucia one day. This is what the card said;

Dearest Sister and Greatest Mother,

A poem sent from Princess Charlize

“Daddy please don’t look so sad, Momma please don’t cry

Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies

Please try not to question God, don’t think he is unkind

Don’t think he sent me to you and then changed his mind

You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above

I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love

Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light

You’ll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane

That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows

Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose

When you see a child playing and your heart gives a tug

Don’t be sad Mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug

So Daddy don’t look so sad and Momma please don’t cry

I’m in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies.”

Many thanks and love always to my beautiful sister Kathryn. You are a gem and the best littlest sister any girl could ask for. My dearest sister-in-law Emma, you are the most gentle, adorable friend a woman could ever have asked for and I am blessed to have you as my sister-in-law. To Hilary, my bestest friend in the world, you are a light in shining armour and without you my life would often not be in perspective. You are my honesty, my sadness, my laughter and my beautiful friend. You are my 5pm daily call and without it, sometimes I’d struggle too much. 

To my dear friends Becca and Nicole. Nicole, I’m so glad you stalked me to be my friend. It is so wonderful to have another premmie Mummy to whine and cry to. Becca, there are so many things I could say about you. You are always on the other end of the phone for a cry or a laugh and will drop everything in the blink of an eye. You two lovelies make my world a better place and fill it with tea, crazy children and chocolate biscuits.

To all the other amazing women out there, Maz, Melanie, Nicole, Shell, Kel, Lisa, Mich, Yvette, Sharon, Jo, Penny, Amy, Caroline; there are too many to mention. You have all helped me in a way you will never fully understand but whatever you’ve done has kept me smiling and standing and I love and treasure you all for it. 

To my beautiful parents, Mum and Dad, you are two wonderful people who have taught me to stand taller and stronger and I love you to infinity and beyond.

Lastly of course my wonderful husband, Saxon and beautiful children, Orlando, Indiana and Lucia. You make my heart sing every day. I love you all so very much and how lucky we all are to have our wonderful Charlize shining down on us.

Sending love and hope to all tonight especially my beautiful daughter sitting in Heaven singing lullabies.


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