When sometimes it just hits…. (First of many blogs – here’s todays)
I awoke this morning to two beautiful little faces peering at me and the sound of babble from our littlest person in her cot. The sun was shining and it beckoned a beautiful day. I dressed for work and as I was about to leave, Indiana attached herself to my leg and said “mummy don’t go please stay with us, I miss you so much when you go to work”
If that doesn’t pull at your heart strings I don’t know what does. Of course I replied with “I love you all baby girl and I miss you all so much but Mummy has to go to work and soon it will be your birthday party and we’ll have a fabulous day together”
Off I went to work with my heart in my throat and a day of emails awaiting me. Mid morning I decided to make a phone call I’ve been putting off for months. I called to make an appointment with the beautiful obstetrician who looked after me with the twins for a check up. The last time I saw her was two days after we lost Charlize. I left a message on the voicemail and asked someone to call me back to arrange an appointment.
Only half an hour later I received a call from the head sonographer who did all of my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with the twins. She did the final ultrasound the day we realised we had Stage Three Twin-to-Twin Transfusion and that Lucia was in heart failure. She told me she recognised my voice on the message and called to see how I was going. We exchanged pleasantries and I was genuinely thrilled to hear from her.
What came afterwards was not what I was expecting. I sat at my desk at work and my eyes filled with tears and my heart broke all over again. I could feel the fear that was in me that day when it all began. I could see all their faces trying to tell Saxon and I that it was going to be fine when we really knew they didn’t know if it was going to be fine. The memories flooded me at work and the loss and heartache of losing my baby girl was so overwhelming.
Why does it always happen at a time that you can’t let the outpouring of grief over come you? Why does it happen when there is no one close by who will understand how you’re feeling?
Instead I texted two of my girlfriends and told them what happened. Moments later I receive a voicemail from one of my friends who told me to smile and that she was here when I needed her and she could feel my pain.
It’s days like today when you wake up feeling fine and it ends up progressing into a downhill slide that I have to remember all those special moments of my pregnancy with my baby girls and holding my precious Charlize in her last moments.
I am blessed that she gave me 32 hours with her outside my belly. I am blessed that she felt the love that I have for her and will always have for her. I am blessed that I can whisper sweet I love you’s to her and know she hears me from Heaven. I am blessed she knows that she will never be forgotten.
I am blessed.